This HAS to STOP!!!

Why do I keep doing this to myself??? I keep putting myself in a place that can only harm me!!! I just want to get better!! In the Last 24 hours I realized that things that I have been staying could be harmful to those around me and myself. The last thing I would to do is hurt anyone around me. I really hate the idea of hurting anyone. So I really am not sure who long this change i s going to take but I am going to!!

Something has to change!! I never wanted to hurt anyone in my life. In the future I hope I stop hurting people but I know it will take a while for things to deminish. I want to stop justifying my behaviors to those that I do not need to be justifying them to. I feel like I am always on my guard when I amy not should be.

I started my new job today and loved it. Thing were fast paced and people looked up to me. Liked interacting with others all day. this was so much fun. Great!!!

LOVE !

ASh

Walk for eating Disorders Then a Loss

I got the honor to walk in the first annual Eating Disorder Walk. The turn out was wonderful!! We had over 200 people turn out for the walk. It was such a hot day, though. Despite the heat I go to walk with some great women. My mother was there which was good. One of her friends from her church walking group came to walk with her, I liked that. My best friend came to talk with me. We ended up walking with a friend who is Miss Nebraska, and two girls from support group. I laughed at Amy because she shows up in jeans and flip flops for the walk. It was 90 degrees out and the walk was a 5k. She is crazy. I was giving her a ha

rd time about that.

I did enjoy myself at the walk so much. If really was so encouraging to see all the people out there and all the ages of people. It was a down fall with the heat but all turned out okay. I was really not okay in the end physically. My face was beat red. I was not sweating but my hair was standing on end

like i was cool. I was cold in a way. I was shaking. My body just could not handle the whole heat thing. I go on regular runs of 3-5 miles, 3 times a week, but it is never that hot out when I go.

The next day I found out that someone I was in the hospital passed away. She suffered from Anorexia. DAM you ANOREXIA!!! I'm so pissed off right now. Lindsey was such a sweat girl and does not deserve this. She was found alone a day after she passed away. I have been thinking about her so much lately and I care about her so much and her family!!

PLEASE pray for the family!!!

Love

~ash~

DID I DO THIS???

Last night I got a call from one of my youth group girls father that she is being rushed to the hospital. They requested for me to meet them there. I really did not know what was going on and they did not want to tell me everything till I got to the ER. But sometimes it is worse for me to stir up a story in my mind. Than knowing the real one.

~BACK ROUND~ Sarah is going to be a SR this coming year in high school. She is very out going but cares a lot what others think of her. Sarah can be critical of her grades, actions, and yes her looks. She likes to make comments about her body and how she looks compared to others. I really have tried to make her understand that God has created all of us in our own way. The thing she is BEAUTIFUL. She does not need to change in any way. ( not like any woman does) I have known Sarah for 2 1/2 years. I opened up to her parents about my eating disorder first. I did not want to say anything to a high schooler that her parents did not want me to. About 3 months ago her parents came to me and told me to keep an eye out for her and tell her some of my story. I did not go into any detail. I am sure she has figured some stuff out. If you look at my room or my pictures on my wall it is not hard to figure out I struggle with an eating disorder.

This all leads up to last night. Last night I got a couple random texts from Sarah. I kind of ignored them. Then the phone call came from her father. I always pick up when her calls. (just because he never calls me)

When I got to the hospital they told that her esophagus had ruptured. She had also OD'd on diet, and laxatives. I was up all night. I do not know how but she is still holding on to HER LIFE!!!

In a way I blame my self... Her dad told me that she looks up to me so much. She loves my Bible study and just hanging out with me. I enjoy my time with her. He Is now asking me for treatment advise. I am helping with it.

I keep running through my head some questions,

*What if I would have text her or called her?? Could we have gotten her help faster?

*Did I play a role in her having bulimia?

*Could I have stopped this if she did not know me?

* Could I have Stopped this if I would have talked to her more?

She is in the ICU right now and I am on the verge of a total melt down. I do not want the people around me to see how I am feeling nor do I want to take it out on any one. I can be a complete BITCH today but... It's not other people's fault....

Please if you need help with your eating disorder get it!!! I have a team in place and sometimes I want to stop going to them... But then things like this happen!!!! PLEASE understand how much of a LIFE OR DEATH this is!!!

<3