New blog

I have started a new blog more recovery based. this does not mean I will not be posting on this blog. it just means I am taking a break from this blog to write in my other one. I really need to find out who I want to be and who I am. I keep trying to please everyone around and not doing what I want I want to do for my life. I started the other blog just a couple days after my 27th birthday so I want to continue it. Please follow my on that blog.

http://beinglovedbyme.blogspot.com/ that is the blog. it is through the same web site just a different name. Thank you all for your support!!

Ashley

This HAS to STOP!!!

Why do I keep doing this to myself??? I keep putting myself in a place that can only harm me!!! I just want to get better!! In the Last 24 hours I realized that things that I have been staying could be harmful to those around me and myself. The last thing I would to do is hurt anyone around me. I really hate the idea of hurting anyone. So I really am not sure who long this change i s going to take but I am going to!!

Something has to change!! I never wanted to hurt anyone in my life. In the future I hope I stop hurting people but I know it will take a while for things to deminish. I want to stop justifying my behaviors to those that I do not need to be justifying them to. I feel like I am always on my guard when I amy not should be.

I started my new job today and loved it. Thing were fast paced and people looked up to me. Liked interacting with others all day. this was so much fun. Great!!!

LOVE !

ASh

Walk for eating Disorders Then a Loss

I got the honor to walk in the first annual Eating Disorder Walk. The turn out was wonderful!! We had over 200 people turn out for the walk. It was such a hot day, though. Despite the heat I go to walk with some great women. My mother was there which was good. One of her friends from her church walking group came to walk with her, I liked that. My best friend came to talk with me. We ended up walking with a friend who is Miss Nebraska, and two girls from support group. I laughed at Amy because she shows up in jeans and flip flops for the walk. It was 90 degrees out and the walk was a 5k. She is crazy. I was giving her a ha

rd time about that.

I did enjoy myself at the walk so much. If really was so encouraging to see all the people out there and all the ages of people. It was a down fall with the heat but all turned out okay. I was really not okay in the end physically. My face was beat red. I was not sweating but my hair was standing on end

like i was cool. I was cold in a way. I was shaking. My body just could not handle the whole heat thing. I go on regular runs of 3-5 miles, 3 times a week, but it is never that hot out when I go.

The next day I found out that someone I was in the hospital passed away. She suffered from Anorexia. DAM you ANOREXIA!!! I'm so pissed off right now. Lindsey was such a sweat girl and does not deserve this. She was found alone a day after she passed away. I have been thinking about her so much lately and I care about her so much and her family!!

PLEASE pray for the family!!!

Love

~ash~

DID I DO THIS???

Last night I got a call from one of my youth group girls father that she is being rushed to the hospital. They requested for me to meet them there. I really did not know what was going on and they did not want to tell me everything till I got to the ER. But sometimes it is worse for me to stir up a story in my mind. Than knowing the real one.

~BACK ROUND~ Sarah is going to be a SR this coming year in high school. She is very out going but cares a lot what others think of her. Sarah can be critical of her grades, actions, and yes her looks. She likes to make comments about her body and how she looks compared to others. I really have tried to make her understand that God has created all of us in our own way. The thing she is BEAUTIFUL. She does not need to change in any way. ( not like any woman does) I have known Sarah for 2 1/2 years. I opened up to her parents about my eating disorder first. I did not want to say anything to a high schooler that her parents did not want me to. About 3 months ago her parents came to me and told me to keep an eye out for her and tell her some of my story. I did not go into any detail. I am sure she has figured some stuff out. If you look at my room or my pictures on my wall it is not hard to figure out I struggle with an eating disorder.

This all leads up to last night. Last night I got a couple random texts from Sarah. I kind of ignored them. Then the phone call came from her father. I always pick up when her calls. (just because he never calls me)

When I got to the hospital they told that her esophagus had ruptured. She had also OD'd on diet, and laxatives. I was up all night. I do not know how but she is still holding on to HER LIFE!!!

In a way I blame my self... Her dad told me that she looks up to me so much. She loves my Bible study and just hanging out with me. I enjoy my time with her. He Is now asking me for treatment advise. I am helping with it.

I keep running through my head some questions,

*What if I would have text her or called her?? Could we have gotten her help faster?

*Did I play a role in her having bulimia?

*Could I have stopped this if she did not know me?

* Could I have Stopped this if I would have talked to her more?

She is in the ICU right now and I am on the verge of a total melt down. I do not want the people around me to see how I am feeling nor do I want to take it out on any one. I can be a complete BITCH today but... It's not other people's fault....

Please if you need help with your eating disorder get it!!! I have a team in place and sometimes I want to stop going to them... But then things like this happen!!!! PLEASE understand how much of a LIFE OR DEATH this is!!!

<3

Hop * Skip * Jump to Pella Iowa

At the start fo this weekend I was not really sure what I was going to be doing. I knew this weekend had to be something that I would remember. Of course on Memorial Day weekend, the unofficial start of summer, most people go to the pool and camp out. I did not want to do what most people where doing. Also I really did not want to get into a bathing suit nor did I want to get bit and burn to te crisp. The orginial plan was to relax before classes starting for the summer. My mom got some fresh tuna for us to put on the grill. She knows that tuna is something I really will eat. But then the plans changed. After taking my roomies out for dinner I HOPPED on facebook and saw that one of my friends, who was only a SKIP away, did not have any big plans also. The plans changed for me. Insead of going to my mom's I decided that I would JUMP into my car the next day and go to PELLA to see my friend. That is when I made my HOP, Skip and JUMP to Pella.

I had never been to this town and was not very sure what to expect while I was driving there. When I got there I was yet not into town and thought things where a little funny. I did not know how much of a DUTCH town Pella is. So as I continue to get into town I see more and more evidence of all of this. As you drive around you can find windmills that still work. May I let you know these Windmill are not what we think of here in a farming area. Also the structure of the buildings was very much Dutch. WOW, is all I can say.

So I get to my friend Jodi's and she show's me around town. At this time she learns just how much of a goff I am when I try to Set off the cannon...

Little did I know that it was firing BLANKS!!

I am stil aloud to go to Pella but I'm not sure if i can fire that cannon. They may not be very happy with me...

I did enjoy the quality time I had with my friend Jodi and the project we did together. It took us hours to complete but we got it done. This was a week of enjoyment and fun. Now I'm home and I have to return to my life of CRAZYNESS. So much to do. I have to make appointments that I really do not want to go to at times. But I want to LIVE my life to the fullest. After the weekend I just had I want to be around to some day dance in wooden shoes there in PELLA. But I can't do so if I do not take care of me...

What do you want?? What do you want to do next in life??? Can you keep doing by the way that you are living?? Are you seeking the guidence of the people with whom you need or do you look at other things??

All hard questions but things We all need to stop and ask our selfs as we take this HOP, SKIP, and JUMP into summer...

My eyes got OPENED!!!

So within the last week I have found out that 3 of my really good friends are not doing very good. For some of them it has been going on for a while, but I have been so wrapped up in myself that I have not seen what has been going on around me. All three of these friends are struggling pretty bad with a mental illness. All have relapsed. Why have I have looked this? Am I a bad friend? I really care about all 3 of these girl equally and love them with so much of my heart.

This is teaching my that when I'm caught up in my ways of ED and the world I don't stop to be a friend to those I care about. I hate it when I do that. I want to stop being a bad friend. I want to stop being so self centered and start looking helping others even more. that is what life is about right helping those around us. I do not think anyone knows what life is about.

(this came to me in my car)

thanks for reading!!!

--Growing Up--

(we are acting like gangsters {Im in purple})

Last night I want to a great End of year BBQ and on the way home I was thinking about how much I have grown up this last year. Just is this last year so much has happened. In short I almost died but now I have a great relationship with God and more people around me. Alot of you do not know what I may be talking about but I think it's time to talk about the foggy memories of that night.

(this is my GAL friend and me in the black)

If it was not for the quick actions, of a good GAL friend, and sister in christ I may not be here today. I had a medication interaction, that is still being misunderstood. The medication caused me to stop breathing. I ended up having to take a helocpter ride, that I still do not remember. I did not wake until a couple days later because with tubes in me.

Since then I have been taking my classes back here in Nebraska. I still go to my college I just can live there. I really have learned so much from the people there. In the Fall I will not longer be there will be going to a Christian College. I very excite to keep learning and growing.

As far as my eating disorder... After the near death experience I have lost quite a bit of weight I do have some people in my life a little worried because I have relapsed. I really do know want to hurt any I love my family and friends so much.

This is only the small part of my picture!!